My beautiful Aunty Ranti and I were catching up over some red wine at a party the other day and a very married uncle we had seen leaving the party earlier with his wife, reentered and now sat down next to a young lady at a table opposite ours. The lady started gyrating to the music in a fashion Uncle’s wife could never dream of trying. Without saying a word, Aunty Ranti and I exchanged a look and shook our heads.

Later that week,  one of the popular blogs had a story on the same girl about her glitzy lifestyle and her slay. The piece mentioned that there was a certain man funding her lifestyle as he was head over heels in love.

This girl couldn’t be a day older than 30 years and this Uncle is in his 60s. I am told he won’t be referred to as her ‘Sugar Daddy’ anymore but her ‘Benevolent helper’…………….

My friend called me the other day for advice. Her mentee, a young man is frustrated and brought his wife for counseling. The wife has been having an affair with an older rich guy and when the husband found out and confronted her, she was not remorseful. Heartbroken and hurt, he hit her in the face. They have 2 young children and he wants to save the marriage because of them. When my friend spoke to the wife on her own, she not only admitted she was not repentant she also confessed she had no plans of ending the affair because again he was her benevolent helper and the town isn’t smiling. The babes slaying on Instagram flying first class all over the world carrying all kinds of designer bags and building houses on the Island don’t have better heads. At least she is married with kids. To her she has the best of both worlds……………


Fehintola had never viewed herself as a bad person, she was always a very decent Church going girl growing up and in fact now she’s a worker at the Pentecostal Church she attends.  When she separated from her husband Segun, she prayed it would be a temporary move. She was seriously protesting against his mother’s influence on their marriage. It was so bad Segun only ate meals his mother sent to their home in protest to the fact that Fehintola hated cooking and employed a cook to do the job. This was just one of the many things she had been putting up with. When Segun slumped and died of a heart attack she was  inconsolable. She knew the whole world blamed her and she blamed herself too. She withdrew into her shell and dug into her faith more. One day she went with her friend  Simi, to collect a Contract award letter.  The Chairman of the Company liked Fehintola very much. He begged her friend to organize it. He wanted to help her heal. She was broken he could feel it and he wanted to fix her. That was how it started. The benevolent healer who had not given his 2 wives the medication they needed. The city wife and the older one in the village…………………

Daniella is the law office hottie. Very ambitious, very beautiful and also very smart. She has been in the firm for just a few months hence the office baby. When Muyiwa came in to see Chima the youngest partner and  spotted her, it was love at first sight.

He chased her relentlessly. He shamelessly competed with the young male lawyers whom Daniella had held slaves to her love with her good looks and good vibes despite sporting the shiniest wedding ring on his finger. He ordered her breakfast, lunch and often dinner at work, her corner piece in the open plan office she shared with other lawyers filled the whole office with the fragrance of fresh flowers which were delivered to her every morning unfailingly from Chima.

He pursued her ferociously. Even though he was married, Daniella believed that had he met her before he met his wife of eight years it would have been her. He even had the effrontery to say he made a mistake of not waiting to meet her and somewhere in her otherwise brilliant mind, she forgave him and she gave in. That is how that affair started. She was 26 years old………..

When I tabled these cases before Aunty Ranti asking what the ‘benevolent’ receivers were supposed to do?

‘Town is hard ó, Aunty.’

She told me her story. My aunty was a very beautiful woman and she’s actually not a blood aunt but one of the ladies that were close to my mother since I was very young. Her parents died when she was quite young and she was raised by her aunty’s family. She was a bit rebellious. Eventually she met this man who was married. In those days they were still aptly labelled ‘Sugar daddies.’ He loved her and spoilt her silly with everything including a flat she lives in till date. He only gave her 2 rules. He was never to hear of any infidelity (imagine the irony) and she was never to call him at home. Every time he travelled when he arrived back in Lagos he would ask for 2 cars to meet him at the Airport. One of these was to take Aunty Ranti’s things he bought for her to her flat. He never failed to do this.

One time he mentioned he was worried about his health and was travelling for a check up in the UK. Long before the GSM era long distant communication was a luxury in Nigeria. On the day he was appointed to arrive she saw no driver and got no news of his return.

After several days she got worried and felt justified to break rule no 2. She called his house. He spoke to her, told her he was fine but she never saw him again.

He never visited her nor sent to her ever again. All the emissaries she sent to him had no news to report back because he didn’t entertain any mention of her. She said it was at that time she realized that a broken heart was just that. A physical pain in your heart. She nearly died of a heartbreak. She wasn’t sure which killed her more- That he could dump her so easily or that she felt she had not done wrong considering she was just worried about him

Whatever the case may be, the love affair of many years ended just like that.

She explained that what it meant and this summarizes the relationship with a married man

No matter what, what you have is not real. It is borrowed and can be taken back at any time.

Despite the glitz and glam of the ‘gram’ the loneliness that pervades cannot really be openly admitted to because whereas a free person knows they are on their own these ones wish they were with someone they cannot be with.

A lot of times, many women spend so many years of their lives entangled in these relationships or traps for so long competing with wives they have no business with that they waste too many years. By the time they come out of it, they have given their best years they end up just settling for whom they find around or age alone

The men go on celebrating milestones with these wives they claim not to be happy with (for those who bother to lie) but they never leave

Humans too have ‘sell by’ dates and it’s only in a corrupt society one can rationalize having a means of living based on borrowed supporter’s pocket.  What is the plan when nature takes its course and all the lifted things start to drop and fresher ones come into the market?

I am yet to see a benevolent giver who gives enough to financially emancipate the recipient.

In reality, it often seems justified these relationships especially at the rate at which marriages are collapsing nowadays but the truth is the negative impact of it often outweigh the true benefits if any of such couplings.

After all is said and done, it’s better to find one’s own as they say where I come from ‘Okele gbigbe pelu alafia’ literally meaning better eat a lean meal but at least have peace of mind.

Have a great week.