It’s been very interesting reading the letters I have received since starting this Blog. I get so excited every time the light comes on showing there’s a new one.
Despite being a little busy, had the little matter of planning the Traditional wedding of my eldest daughter at the weekend, I still knew I had to write this week’s blog piece.

I got many letters all centered around the same things really. Unfaithful, ungracious, uncaring husbands. In some cases stingy too.
All of them remind me of a ‘Womack and Womack’ song I had playing in my head for almost 2 weeks about a month ago that I thought its no coincidence. It goes thus

‘He wants more sweet than candy gives,
More blood than life really takes to live
I rob my friends to buy him things
He brings me down and shames my name
These world’s demands have made him cold
He sets me up just for more gold……

imageD3C139E9-79D3-4E9F-AB6C-EBE233F6E7E4This, I think, sums up the different ‘nasties’ these ladies wrote to me about.
What provoked this post most though was an old School friend I came across. Shewa I’ll call her for here. She had everything I Prayed God had bestowed me with growing up. She was not tall; she was curvy and had this confidence you could not even fake. She was bossy but she was a bundle of laughs. I later bumped into her in London many years later, I had had my girls, I was divorced and I walked into an office and there she was. I guess we both hadn’t changed much because we both shouted our names and we were inseparable for that whole time I was there. Her life was exciting. She was head of HR in a Shipping Company I wanted to hire a vessel from, she was having this affair with a married man but it was very intense but she was not in need of him leaving his wife. She kind of liked her independence.

Like many of my various friendships here and there we didn’t stay in touch until earlier this year. I was at the Visa office in Victoria Island and I see this old woman beckon towards me smiling. I look behind me as I didn’t think I knew her.. Lo and behold it was Shewa!! I did not and would never have recognized her. To cut a long story short life had dealt her a cruel blow. She and her married man didn’t work out and someone introduced her to their Church. There, a brother ‘received a vision concerning her ‘ that she was his betrothed and since she was getting along she thought why not. It turns out he didn’t have a job, but an ego the size of the moon and back. Him and the pressures from the Church workers who felt she wasn’t submissive enough made her give up the cushy job she had. She made the mistake (in my opinion) of confiding in him about her relationship with the married man… Of course the assumption though very wrong then was that all her worldly goods were from that man and by the time she was through she found she was living with her enemy and possible would be killer if she did not escape. So she escaped and returned to Lagos. Many years later, having worked on herself she was lucky and met an old boss who had now set up a Private Jet hire business he believed she could manage in London hence our meeting at the Visa office. She got a second chance.

Now, at the beginning when told about the would be husband’s supposed revelation concerning her, because she was getting on in age, Shewa felt ‘why not?
Now in addressing why she should have not despite her age I will address the issues raised in the other letters I received together.

Firstly I humbly submit that there is hardly anything a man does when you are married that he hasn’t shown you when you were dating. You may choose not to see it, interpret it another way or most times feel that you can live with it. For instance, a husband that hits his wife has probably slapped her before they got married or as was in my case, the woman has heard of several he has slapped before he met her. She thinks she will be different or that she provoked him or whatever it is we tell ourselves.

In this particular case I asked her, he received the revelation, did she receive same? No. I have always had a problem with this and its quite common practice in some Pentecostal Churches. Not planning to take any Institutions on, I just wonder. If you say our God is one of order, surely if two are to become one shall the revelation not be received by both? The ultimate revelation with Mary and Joseph, but for an Awesome God who thought it wise to send message to Joseph the whole Nativity Story now would have been a scandal!!

A strong successful woman with a focused career is a threat to an under achieving man. Unfortunately in our current clime there are many of those around now and I do not know why.

These guys will date these women for a lifetime but never commit. The women push and the more the guy delays or does not commit the more insecure the woman gets. It is very few women confident enough to realize its not them it’s the guy. So they push they whine and he finally commits like and acts like he’s been forced into it. What is interesting is that even well adjusted complete men tend to have jitters before they commit. Its as though their ‘mojos’ are about to be snatched off them. Many even start to misbehave like they have a screw loose at this time. Talk less of the underachieving Jack…..

Naturally when forced to commit these guys now act like they have done the woman a favour by lending them their names hence they are not accountable.
Note that the more successful the women are they continue to be a threat to these men and quite frankly it’s like living with the enemy. That’s why they bring them down and shame their name.

Do these men cut their coats according to their size? How about ‘NO’! They set the women up just for more gold to satisfy their lazy life styles and resent them more for working so hard.

We can go on. As for you Yomi I would advice you let that spoilt brat go. Like Sewa, although yours is the other way round it is always best to stick to your type and your class.

It is important when you plan your future together to be able to understand each other’s backgrounds.
All you do for him and he can still call you a ‘gold digger’!!! Who’s digging whom? But because he feels he is lending you his Society has been name he feels he’s doing you a favour. Stick to that guy who has always liked you and will treat you like the treasure you deserve.

So ladies, I hope I have answered your questions through Sewa’s experience. Shine your eyes.
Marriage is not legal dating…. Its hard stuff that requires a lot of work from both sides.. Enjoy